I’m writing this essay about abuse. My oldest daughter and I went through abuse for two years, and I thank God everyday that I got my kids out before it was too late.

I was 18 years old when I met my ex-husband. I was so in love with him that I thought he would never hurt me, but I was wrong. I should have known I couldn’t trust him when he cheated on me and lied about it. I was afraid of being alone.

On May 15, 1998 I found out I was pregnant with our first child. One day he and I started screaming at each other and saying hateful things to each other. He pinned me down on our bed and started to beat me. He then started to beat me where I was carrying our baby. I cried for him to stop, but he wouldn’t. After that he took me off the bed and lifted me up by my neck up off the floor against our kitchen wall. I couldn’t breathe and was really scared. I thought I was going to die right there. I prayed to God to help. Somehow I believed God heard my prayer.

 I took off to the nearest pay phone and called my father to see if I could stay there. He kept calling to tell me that he was sorry and that things would change and it wouldn’t happen again. I believed him, but it didn’t get better, it got worse. I went to my father again to talk and he asked me how I could put up with that. “You deserve so much better,” he said. Then he said to me, “Honey, you need to think about the baby, my grandchild, that you are carrying.” I looked at my father and said, “Dad, but I love him.” He said, “Honey that is not love.” I thought about the good and the bad in our relationship. At that time there was more good than bad. I told him I would go back on one condition, that he stop drinking. He agreed, and that lasted three months.

By this time I was seven months pregnant, and we lost our apartment due to his drinking, and drugs, too. I started to worry about what I was going to do next. My mother found out what was going on with us and let us stay with her. We did and my mother helped me through childbirth classes with my midwife. We had finally found an apartment closer to my mother so she could help me. We moved in and that night I went into labor. The next morning I had my beautiful daughter, Cari. I looked at her and just then I realized she was so perfect. I would do whatever it took to protect her in anyway.

Three months after she was born, my ex-husband and I got married. It was perfect for two months after we were married. Then he started beating me again. Cari was sleeping so soundly when I went into her room. I started crying and asked, “God, why me? What am I doing wrong?” My heart was breaking more now than before. I couldn’t understand why. All I knew was that I was starting to hate him more and more everyday. That’s when I realized what my mother and father had been trying to tell me all this time. It’s all about control. He wanted to control me, and I kept going back every time. I thought, “How could I be so blind and stupid?” 

The last time he laid his hands on me was when he tried to beat Cari. As soon as he did, I jumped in front of her and got beaten up. By that time I was lying in a pool of blood and was barely breathing when an ambulance came and got Cari and me and took us to the hospital. My mother found out and came to get us. I went upstairs to pack our stuff while he was working. I found a note on my pillow that said: “I don’t blame you for leaving me or having me put in jail, but always remember that I love you.” At that point I could have cared less about him. I just wanted a restraining order to keep him away from us. Before Cari and I left with my mother, the police showed up and took a report on what had happened. I told them all I wanted was a restraining order, that I didn’t want to press charges. They said, “But ma’am, we are here because there was a child involved and by law we have to even if you don’t want too.” That’s when I told them everything and where he was at the time. 

They went and arrested him and shackled him at work. I finally got my restraining order and found out I was pregnant with my second child. Shortly after that I had my second daughter, Candi. I finally got my divorce and sole custody of my daughters. We are doing much better now and I have the courage to say we don’t deserve this and walk away. 

I look back on my mistakes in life and tell myself each day is going to be better than the last. I know I will find the right person who will love my daughters and I as much as we love them and not beat us. If they try too, I have enough courage to walk away, because nobody deserves that.

Carolyn Cusson has been with Quinsigamond Community College’s GED program since January.  She was born and raised here in MA.  Her future goal is to get her GED, then go to college to be a dental hygienist and also to support her 2 daughters.